BAKEOFF

A Tragedy in One Act

by Charles Lupia,

which should be shorter

Dramatis Personae

BILL CLINTON, former U.S. president

MELANIA TRUMP, former model

MICHELLE OBAMA, former hospital administrator

DAN RATHER, TV anchor

Place: A TV studio.

Time: Autumn, 2016.  Evening.

A television studio is equipped as a kitchen.  Trays are on counters, as are bowls, measuring cups, etc.

Dan Rather stands with microphone before a TV camera.  Near him, on each side, are Bill Clinton and Melania Trump.  As Dan speaks, Melania waves toward the camera, and Bill alternately dances and acts is if he is preparing for a boxing match.

DAN

Good evening, this is Dan Rather for a special evening.  We are here at a crucial event in the 2016 presidential election.  We have here two prospective first spouses-

BILL

First guy.

(Bill grins.  Dan looks at him.)

I’m the first guy.

DAN

(announcing)

Melania Trump-

(Melania waves at the camera.)

And former President Bill Clinton.

(Bill also waves.)

BILL

I’m gonna win this.

DAN

They are engaged in a contest to see who can come up with the best cookie recipe.

MELANIA

Ask not what your country can do for you.

DAN

Neither party has been very forthcoming about the ingredients they are using.

BILL

(grinning)

It’s a secret.

(Dan looks at his watch.)

DAN

And the time to begin is…now!

MELANIA

We are out of the gate!

DAN

The bakeoff has begun.  I’m going to give them some privacy.

(Dan moves to leave.)

BILL

(waving)

Dan my man!

(As Dan exits, Bill gives him the thumbs up.  Melania produces a tray of already-shaped cookies.)

How’d you do that?

MELANIA

Donald tells me to be prepared.

(Melania puts her tray in the oven.)

BILL

You cheated.

MELANIA

You cheated.

(Bill takes another look at Melania.)

BILL

You’re a good lookin’ cheater.

MELANIA

You’re an old looking cheater.

(Trying to do his best with Melania’s comments, Bill starts to mix ingredients in a bowl.)

BILL

I tried to pay you a compliment.

MELANIA

And I’m trying to ignore you.

BILL

You shouldn’t be listening to what other people say about me.

MELANIA

And they say you’re a pig.

(Bill is a bit saddened by her comment.  He tastes a little of his mix.)

                                                 BILL

This tastes like crap.

MELANIA

(as if reciting something she’s learned)

Just like your economic policies.

BILL

My policies helped the country.

(Bill looks at a bottle of Jack Daniels.  He thinks about it.  He pours some whiskey into his mix.)

A little Jack Daniels helps, too.

(He tastes the mix.  He smiles.)

It’s a lot better.

(He pours more Jack Daniels in the mix.  He tastes again.)

A LOT better.

(Bill pours himself a glass of Jack Daniels.  He drinks.  He offers some

            to Melania.)

BILL (cont.)

Want some?

(Melania doesn’t answer.  Bill keeps looking at her.)

MELANIA

(finally)

No, I do not.

BILL

More for me.

(Bill pours himself another glass.)

You live in Manhattan?

MELANIA

What about it?

BILL

I have an office… upper Manhattan.

(Melania stands by her oven.  Seeing her, Bill quickly puts down his glass,

            and starts placing prospective cookies on a tray.)

We could hang out some time.

MELANIA

Let’s not, and say we did.

BILL

(looking closely at her)

You’re not afraid of me.

MELANIA

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

(Bill quickly takes his second glass of Jack Daniels.)

BILL

Need something to make you sound original.

(Bill takes another swig.  He places his cookie tray in the oven.  Melania takes hers out.  Bill takes a look at her cookies.)

Those look like Hillary’s cookies.

MELANIA

They’re mine!

BILL

It looks like you took Hillary’s recipe.

MELANIA

Here!  Watch this, swine!

(Melania quickly pours a glass of Jack Daniels, and gulps it down.)

BILL

That’s gotta make me look better.

MELANIA

You still look like a pig.

(Dan Rather returns.  He looks at his watch.)

DAN

The time is now up.

(Bill rushes to his oven, and pulls his cookies out.)

DAN (cont.)

Bill Clinton is disqualified.

(Bill puts his tray down in disgust.)

BILL

Come on now!

(Melania proudly shows her tray.  Dan takes a cookie of hers, and tastes it.)

DAN

Thank you.

(Bill comes forward.)

BILL

I’m comin’ back!  In the White House!  First guy.

MELANIA

(to Bill)

Loser!

BILL

Co-president.

DAN

And the winner is-

MELANIA

Yo, Donald, we did it!

(Bill and Dan both look at Melania.)

DAN

-Michelle Obama.

(Bill and Melania both look in shock at Dan.)

MELANIA

It’s mine.

DAN

We have Michelle Obama here.

MELANIA

I was the last one standing.

DAN

You used Michelle Obama’s recipe.

MELANIA

I changed the sugar content.

DAN

Michelle-

(Michelle Obama enters, and approaches Dan Rather.  Bill claps.)

BILL

Michelle, it’s good to…

(Bill tries to put his hand on Michelle’s shoulder, but stops when Michelle gives him a very cold stare.)

…see you.

MICHELLE

(to the TV audience)

Thank you, everyone.

(Bill embraces and attempts to kiss Melania.)

MELANIA

What are you doing?!

(Melania pushes him away.)

BILL

A little more sugar.

MELANIA

Get away from me!

(Melania gets away from him.)

MICHELLE

I want to thank you all for thinking of me.

(Bill grabs the Jack Daniels bottle, and starts directly drinking from it.)

But cookies are bad for you.  You should throw away your cookies.

BILL

(holding his bottle)

That’s a little severe.

(Melania grabs a cookie from her tray.  Bill guzzles from his bottle.)

MICHELLE

You should be eating vegetables from your garden.

(Melania approaches Bill.)

MELANIA

You want sugar?  Here, you can have sugar!

(Dan and Michelle look in horror as Melania crushes a cookie onto Bill’s face.  Bill takes the cookie, and eats it.)

BILL

Doesn’t taste half bad.

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About jalesy55

Charles Lupia is a playwright, freelance writer and lawyer. His blogs cover a range of topics, from politics to entertainment.
This entry was posted in CAKES, News and politics, TV. Bookmark the permalink.

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